15 Strange Vintage Christmas Cards Ranked From Dope To Nope

100 years later, people might think of us as the weirdos. We routinely communicate using electronic stickers, gifs and memes. We make social media accounts for our pets, some of which become internet superstars. What I’m trying to say is, when it comes being normal, the Victorians definitely weren’t it but neither are we.

Keep that in mind as we rank these 15 vintage Christmas cards, from the least concerning to the creepiest.

15 – Frog Making Merry With Insects

It’s a sunny day and everybody’s in a good mood. The frog has even backed off from his insect diet for a while, so he can dance with them. While we don’t recommend playing with your food, this doesn’t strike us as particularly scary.

Creep Factor: 1/10

14 – Moths As Witches Stirring A Cauldron

Moths are butterflies with fluffier bodies and antennae. They aren’t particularly scary either but these ones here… We think they may have intentions that aren’t so pure. This is the only reason why this card beats the former. I mean. Look at it, it’s a beautiful card.

Creep Factor: 1/10

13 – Birds Marching For Bird Rights

The creepiest thing about this card is how they’re holding those torches. And how they got them lit. I mean. The other creepy thing? What are they marching for, the right to poop on everybody’s heads?

Creep Factor 2/10

12 – A Very Dead Robin

We suspect the person behind this greeting card may in fact be a cat. I mean, why would a human think another human would associate a joyful Christmas with a deceased robin?

Creep Factor: 2/10

11 – Headless Egg Baby Wishes You A Merry Christmas

Why is this baby trapped in an egg? And where is the baby’s head?

Creep Factor: 3/10

10 – Homicidal Snowman Lays In Wait For Next Victim

We don’t know what happened to Frosty The Snowman but it looks like he’s not having a Holly Jolly Christmas.

Creep Factor: 4/10

9 – Birds Inspect Fallen Scarecrow

At least, I think it’s a scarecrow. The expression on the scarecrow’s face would be adorable, if not for the fact that it’s partially buried by snow and appears to have reached the end of its life.

Creep Factor: 5/10

8 –  Children Gaze In Wonder At Evil Snow Construct

Snow Construct, you say? Surely you mean Snowman? No. That’s not a Snowman. That’s the hatred of a million suns coalesced into a frozen construct of evil. Most frighteningly of all, the children and dog don’t appear to notice the evil before them.

Creep Factor: 6/10

7 –  It’s A Frog Kill Frog World, My Friends

There’s nothing merry about this picture. Look at the raised hand of the victim, one last ditch attempt at self defense. See the haunting look of regret in the murderer’s face as he prepares to escape. Nope. Nothing merry.

Creep Factor: 7/10

6 – Rhyming Santa Robs Man At Gunpoint

The manic look in Santa’s eye. The man’s incredulous face, as he realizes where Santa gets the money to buy all those presents.

Creep Factor: 7.5/10

5 – These Flowers Look A Lot Like Babies

Artist: Bonnets look kind of like flowers, don’t they?
Friend: I suppose, if you say so.
Artist: Babies are cute, aren’t they?
Friend: Some certainly are.
Artist: What if I combined both of them? I know! I’ll make a greeting card that has flowers, which are also babies!
Friend: (shakes head) My dear fellow.

Creep Factor: 7.5/10

4 – Baby Baked Into A Pie

Brings a whole new meaning to “You’re so cute I could just eat you up”.

Creep Factor: 8/10

3 – Lurking Santa

These girls look rightly apprehensive about approaching the window.

Creep Factor: 8.5/10

2 – Santa’s Thinking With Portals

Santa pops in from a mirror? From another dimension? To give this girl a present, which happens to be a new doll. Witness the old doll lying at her feet. Feel the tension build as the older doll’s jealousy grows and the girl gets increasingly attached to this strangely lifelike new doll. Cue The Conjuring: Origins.

Creep Factor: 9/10

Drumroll please, we’re almost at Number 1!

1 – Nightmare Egg Clown Wishes You A Merry Christmas

Why are all his fingers the same length? Why does he have the face of a blobfish? Why is he egg-shaped? And finally, does his diet consist only of human souls?

PS The answer to the last question is in fact yes. Every time he consumes another soul, he adds a shiny new button.

Happy Holidays!

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